INTRODUCING THE HENDRICK’S FLYING CUCUMBER AIRSHIP. ASBURDLY LUXURIOUS, ABSURDLY SLOW
HENDRICK’S GIN is bringing back its lauded dirigible Flying Cucumber, now re-christened as CucumbAir.
Moving at the ridiculously leisurely speed of 22 miles per hour, CucumbAir emphasizes the journey over the destination. And to what destinations does this luxury zeppelin fly? A better question might be what locations can the mind conjure? Designed with a maximum range of 250 miles per day, all flights come with a Hendrick’s Department of Not So Convenient Technology guarantee: Wherever you’re going, you can expect to arrive in marvelously late style.
Every HENDRICK’S CucumbAir passenger receives:
- Fuzzy Green Slippers
- Rose-scented Body Oil
- Cucumber Slice Eye Mask
- Selection of Herbal and Caffeinated Teas
- Botanical Tooth Powder
- Curated Selection of Marvelous On-Board Cocktails
- Complimentary Wi-fi Code and Checked Luggage
Passenger safety is of the utmost importance to CucumbAir. In the event of thunderstorms, blizzards, a dusting of morning frost or even light rain, the airship will be towed beyond a luxurious private vehicle with plenty of room for yourself and members of your entourage.
Kindly note: Due to our unhurried travel style and our elite emphasis on safety, it is entirely possible that passengers may arrive to their destination one to several luxurious days late. Should tardiness occur, Hendrick’s advises you to breathe and reflect on the ever-changing malleability of life. As our CucumbAir crew often remarks, the journey is the destination. ion.
INTERESTED IN OUR SERVICES?
To reserve your flight, please have your PA send us a direct message @HENDRICKSGINUS.
Our priority is the pleasure of our passengers during our 1-to-14-day flight time. To enable us to address your preferences, please have your representative prepare to answer the following:
Small, Medium, or Large?
Allegorical Drama vs. Layered Musical Theatre, i.e. Kafka or Sondheim?
Sherlock Holmes Preference:
‘Valley of Fear’ or ‘Hounds of Baskerville’?
Tooth Powder Botanical:
Rose, Lavender or Mint?
‘Ave Maria’ Runway Entertainment Language Preference:
Spanish, Mandarin, Latin, Portuguese, Basque, Japanese, Swahili, French, American English, British English, Gaelic, Italian. (You may choose up to three)
Red or Black?
(dependent upon weather and the answers to the above questions):
$750,000 - $1,200,000
PROFIT STATEMENT (OR LACK THEREOF):
HENDRICK'S is offering this service to offer a genuine alternative in private air travel, thus all fees are merely our operating expenses. Contrary to expectations and business savvy, there is literally and precisely zero profit included in these costs. It is our honour to serve.